closed.

you can try to ask.

sundrenched world.

My profile has 378 views at the moment that I begin typing this. 378 people that I may have invited to this blog, or that may have stumbled upon it on themselves have seen this blog. I purposely moved from xanga to here trying to hide. I guess we're always found, just takes a matter of time. I don't feel safe posting here sometimes. Although my blog is never too specific, it reveals too much of me for 378 people to read. But it's an addiction. I may not feel safe, but I enjoy the danger a bit. If I'm not comfortable, I might as well just make another blog and reinvite people. Who says I already haven't? Would you be invited? Have you been invited?

There's more but the haven of the blog has been broken.

shammer.

on the way back, i sang.

it was the wrong notes.
it was full of sharps and flats that weren't supposed to be there.
it was off tempo.
it was a mumbling of the lyrics.


but it was soul.

pulling weeds.

school i must admit is going pretty well. i enjoy most of my classes and am content with the grades i've been receiving. at least i have that.

i wish i had a more beautiful way to express myself. a way that stands out. a way that is interesting. a way that i actually enjoy. sure i can solve a math problem or analyze a piece of writing or balance a general ledger. but i guess i want more. is that greedy?

we will become sillhouettes.

long post up ahead.

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I lie. I admit that I lie. I lie a lot. I know that. And I'm kind of sorry for it. I lie about different things. Small lies, big lies. I should probably stop. They're frivolous, meaningless. So what. I should be honest. I lie when you ask me my name. I lie when you ask me where I'm from. I lie when you ask me how old I am. Does it matter though? I'm just joking.

But when I lie about bigger things, that's when I get scared. When you ask me what they do. When you ask me how my day was. When you ask me how I am.

But when you're the right person, I don't lie. I tell the truth. At least most of the time. I lie to you because I'm scared. Do you tell the truth all the time, or do you get scared too?

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I don't like it when people talk when other people talk about cancer. I don't like talking about cancer in school. I don't like people who don't give it the respect it deserves.

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Saturday morning I went to Mimi's Cafe. I've been going there all my life, since I was probably two. The place has changed, the people that go have changed. They no longer serve the yogurt that my mom used to enjoy or have the same sweet mints they had at the front desk. The servers have changed. We have changed.

When I was around probably five or six, that's when my sister worked there. She was once a hostess, and got moved to waitress. I remember we visited her at work one day and she brought me a cherry-7up concoction. For children's dessert, the restaurant serves little cups of pudding with oreo crumbs on top and two gummy worms. After eating my dessert, I then went to where my sister was. She snuck me more gummy worms. We ate them out of the big bucket with her and her friend.

Sienna began working there the same time a guy named Jason did. She left, moved to New York, and is now back. He is now manager. When he sees us he comps our meals.


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I should be sorry, but it's hard to. Is it even right to?

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Then there was Sue. She always had her hair done with like a high bun. She started the catastrophe of putting whipped cream on Bianca's chocolate milk. She doesn't drink it without it now. Sue eventually left, and we were only left with the whipped cream mark she left us.

After Sue was Anette. Anette knew Sienna too. When Sienna moved to New York, we would still talk to Anette. She would always ask me about the books I was reading, and surprisingly she'd be reading them too. Especially the Series of Unfortunate Events and Harry Potter. Anette would always talk to my mom about random things, but a lot about being latina but looking white and a lot of jokes I didn't understand as a fifth grader. When we took our break from Mimi's, Anette left and we never got a phone number. I did get some pretty good book suggestions.

Now there's DeSeana, also known as just D at work. D's been there since Anette. I've always heard about her kids, who are the same age as me, and how they have grown just like I have. But I've never met them. She shows us pictures when we go and talks about her schooling and eventually leaving Mimi's to work elsewhere. She's now done with school, but still occassionally works the weekends. We saw her Saturday for the first time in around a year. She saw Sienna for the first time in around four years.

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You really do intimidate me. I don't like you. Bad combination. Is it me? I don't want to lose.

Times change. Will I just be a sillhouette of what I was?

fucking relapses.

one.

alone. odd. particular. peculiar. singular. sole. special.

how can one word have so many definitions that battle one another? how can one be alone, but still special. is the oddity what makes it special? peculiarly special.

can i be your one?

have to prove myself sooner or later.

wednesday?

You know, I hate when it's wednesday and I think it's Friday.

It makes me all happy, but then I remember and I'm like "damn."

slope.

Sleep feels good. Wish there was more lately. Waking up leaves a sense of satisfied refreshment or a longing for another 20 minutes. I don't know. I feel guilty, but I think I have some justification to feel the way that I do. Wish that it was me. Why did it have to happen like that? You don't realize that it really hurts. And I know you cant do anything, and it's not your fault.. but now I don't know how to solve it. Slowly I was climbing back up, and the stairs under me disappeared and I slid down. Going to be harder going up them again.

general ledger.

i've said this to a lot of people, but accounting is a pretty good stress reliever. it may take forever, but it makes me feel productive. that i'm getting work done. i'm organizing. and just therapeutic because my mind's concentrated on it so all my other thoughts are kind of closed out for a bit. i'm glad i got "stuck" in this pathway afterall.

the chairs are also a plus.

she nailed it.

couldn't have felt it more.

absence.

I wonder how it would be like if I were to simply pack my bags, buy a plane ticket to France, and leave without saying goodbye to anyone.
How different would it be when I came back 6 months later? Would the people that I once cared for so much still be the same people? Would the people that cared for me so much still be able to care for me? Crazy prospect but it'd be so interesting to know. Who would have changed? Who wouldn't have changed? Who would've waited those 6 months? Who wouldn't have?

I don't know if I would wait.

good enough.

For a while I've dealt with not being good enough. Not being good enough in the past sucked. Then when the opportunity came where I was finally good enough, it got taken away. Back to not again.

Now, something that I actually feel like I'm going to be good enough for once the time comes is teasing me to no end.

how does it feel? oh yeah you wouldn't know.

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

My canker sores are burning.
My heart's aching.
My passion's fading.
Not feeling too awesome at this point.
It's just like a pill.

on your porch.

So things have been looking up. Not so stressed about school as much as I was in the last post. At least the healthy amount of stress. And I can handle it. I think. I'm doing better too, which is helping my morale a lot as well. I can get through this year. I've had some random thoughts that I've been shaking around in my head for a while now.

When I was at Target one day in Long Beach, I was leaving after spending a generous amount on gifts. Rushing out to meet my mom, I had my change still in my hand. A $5 bill. I roamed around the parking lot aimlessly looking for my mom when someone called me over. I think my attention was taken by the use of Sir for me. He walked over and gave me this whole sob story. Something about his wife and him not being able to pay bills, him getting a check from the government soon. But he was a veteran. He flashed me an identification card of sorts. I didn't pay attention to it. But just the word veteran stirred a lot within me. I stopped listening there. I knew what he wanted and I knew I was going to give it to him. He could have been lying, but I won't ever know. Hopefully that $5 bought him a dinner for him and his wife that night.
I'm afraid I'm too trusting sometimes. I think a lot of times when I'm in a predicament or problem I tell a bunch of people my problems because I'm anxious for an answer. For a solution. I trust these people I tell, but still. Is it too many people? Then afterward I feel silly for making such a big deal out of things and having so many people know I did. I'm just very over reactive.

On my way to the carwash I had to walk/run to, I passed by a fellow morning walker. She greeted me with a "Good morning." I wasn't having the best morning that particular day, and I think that simple gesture did a lot for me. That someone that I didn't even know would greet me with such kind words. But even prior to that, I saw her across the street. I think I felt an aura from her. A warm presence. I somewhat expected that she would. She seemed like the person that would.

One of my cousin's friends was shot and killed. I don't really know details, all that there was a gun involved and a death. I didn't know this friend and my family didn't really either. I think it was one of my friend's college friends. My cousin was really solemn for a while. Didn't see her the weekend I went beacuse she was just in her room, which I totally respect and understand. But what I was trying to get my head around was losing one of my friends. Sure, I've had those friends I've drifted from and don't talk to that much, but for one to be taken away from me in all aspects other than photographs and memories I have of them is freaking scary. I can't imagine one of my best friends.. not being able to instant message them anymore, or text or call and have insane phone conversations, or see in clas together, not being able to graduate together. Not being able to do anything more together. Let's all be safe now.

vanquish.

oh god. I need to get rid of this stress and anxiety and resentment and just everything coiled in me. ahhhh. junior year. dah. it has been two extremes so far. extremely wonderful and extremely in a septic tank of a family that likes to eat a lot of spicy food. eff. just so stressed out because I really feel like i try and try and I study but i get nothing from it. I got a C on my bio test. Sure, a C is average. But I spent two hours after school getting help from cullinane. So does that mean that studying for two hours with the teacher is "average." I really expected myself to do a lot better. and english. I love that class. I really like spencer. but for the effity eff eff. it leaves me speechless and feeling so depressed. I read the assignments, I try, I ask questions, yet I still don't do well. Just can't communicate. I dont' think i'm even effectively communicating how i'm feeling here. and apush. sigh. c on the mcq that I studied for. that i helped other people study for. that I read for. that i volunteered to answer questions that casanova asked. what's it going to take for me to do well. reading the chapters 5 times over? spending 6 hours getting teacher help? just so stressed and jealous and pissed and so many negativities that are clouding everything else. i really just wanna break down when I think about it. sucks that now that i'm actually having college aspirations that all my product of work is sucking ass. sucking. suck suck suck suck suck suck. dahjlnfhklfdajkdvahkldva. sorry. just didn't wanna put an explitive. eff. and so many things to pay for. sigh. guess i'm going to be eating leftovers everyday. can't. won't. need to. i know i can, but. my body tenses just thinking about everything. i can't even type in this blog everything.

sophomore.

I sit here at my computer desk. It's 3: 13 AM. Just finished my summer homework. Morning of the first day of junior year. So crazy. Sophomore year was crazy. It was amazing. It went by way too fast. Let's see. I'm just going to start rambling I guess.

I will admit, the beginning of the year started off kind of rocky. Various reasons that I'll get into. But I remember the first like 3 months of school, and I was tired of sophomore year over. It was the "sophomore slump." I don't really know exactly why I felt like that. Just wasn't having tons of fun. Probably had a negative attitude. Long time ago. Not entirely sure.

So some things to go over: academics, sports, choir, classcommittee/asb, dances, friends. Just some broad topics.

Academics: This year wasn't that hard academically to be honest. I did start off extremely bad in euro though. I did all my homework the morning of the first day of sophomore year. Got a 2 on my essay. Started the class with a D. Not a good feeling, but I knew I deserved it. I was stupid for pulling that stunt (which ironically i just pulled again). 0 period pe was a pain. Didn't do anything, hauge didn't really like me so it was suckish. At least I pulled off some decent mile times, especially for me. Made me feel good. Despite phlegm. Chemistry was a complete waste of time, except for having fun. Didn't learn anything, but hey I got an A. Math.. I actually liked math haha. I remember having fun with piecewise functions. Don't judge me! I'm going to miss Ms. Sizer. She was so awesome. Facebook though! Same with Meloche. That class installed faith within me that I can be a good writer. I just need to open up I guess. Really sad that the essay I spent the most effort on he didn't even grade. Whatever. It was tons of fun coming in on Thursdays and recapping Project Runway with him. Having Euro everyday was fun. Love Mr. O. I don' think I have him next year. I felt bad that I didn' really try too hard in his class. But he definately helped me pass the AP test :]

So I took a chance and did swim this year. I almost didn't do it. Ashley convinced me I think. I did it in 8th grade, and I like the water. Swim season started out really badly. I got horrible cramps, even with eating bananas. I was just really bored underwater, stroke after stroke with nobody but my thoughts (which was good and dangerous at the same time if I think about it). Bah, not good for my self esteem that I was supposed to have a year up on the freshmen and they owned me. And I don' think wittman likes me that much too, so precalc will be interesting this year. Decided to stick with it. It got better. Got used to the physical activity, even though I still sucked. I remember I was so effing nervous for the first meet. I really don't like competition in sports, or competition in genearal. People just get so nasty sometimes and it's gross. I was going to back out of the first swim meet, but didn't. And honestly, it wasn't that bad. I remember it was at La Quinta. Their pool was like in a peniterinary. Still got the last places, but I didn't mind too much I guess. I got over the fact that I would come lastish. Bus rides back were awesome. I got to meet so many new people through swim. I got to talk to Shawna, Jillian, Ramin, David, Simon, Fareshte, Frankie, Daniel, and Alison a lot more. More than just a casual w/e. Swim meet food was good. The pasta. Hopefully I'll have time this year for it again.

Oh choir. So. How I was talking about how the year started off rocky. Well, I guess choir had a part in that. I wasn't as much devestated that I didn't make Showchoir, it's just the fact that I was like one of the only sophomore guys that didn't make it. Daniel, Simon, Jared, Afnan, Patrick, Chirag. Heck, even Ian Russo and he didn't even have to try out. Just was a sucky feeling knowing that I was like one of the only 2 guys that didn't make it and that I had a year experience over some of them and I still didn't make it. And then the fact that I would be going into Musical without really knowing anyone. Daniel,Simon, Jared were my safety blankets. And I was all by myself. I remember the first day of musical. The sophomore guys- Matthew, Alex, Gurky, Jeff, Michael, and I got pwned and we had to sit in the front row like noobs. It was really cold in there too. Super strong ac. Just weird to think that was so long ago. But things got better. I guess I was just bitter and scared. But it was good getting to know people. I'm extraordinally happy with how it turned out though. If I wasn't in MP, I don't think I would've gotten as close with Alex or Matt. And that would be horible. It really did work out in the end. But the thing is, I was still really timid in that class because of all the upperclassmen. And then awkward things like my scoliosis would happen and I felt judged. I really didn't open up at all. Which was a mistake because I missed out on a whole semester I could've been talking to people I talk to now, like Meaghan and stuff. But I guess it's better late than never. I'm really going to miss that class. 08 really made it, and we rocked it this year. Kicked out the MP stereotype. This year will definately be different, but I'm hoping it's just as good.

class committee this year started off really rough. oh gosh. very very rough. the first event was hell to turn that hallway into hell. that was a funny. and just the different groups. I don't know. after a while it didn't really matter though because the normal people would step up and do the work. time after time. i would complain a lot, which i kind of regret. i should have just done the work without complaining because it's such a downer. but i will admit it go a lot better. we may not have done a lot of work together and cohesively, but we did have fun. i'm proud of how sadies turned out. i wasn't necessarily happy with every single detail and i think we could've done some more, but i definately was proud. all the work paid off. now asb... oh gosh. I remember the couple of months I would go between asb and choir and what to do junior year. I questioned it so much, asked almost everyone. I was so unsure. Nobody was stepping up and i really wanted the position, but I wasn't ready to give up choir. I couldn't choose, but in the long run i guess I did? It wasn't certain for me that I would get choir, but I risked it. And thank goodness I did. It turned out extremely well. I got the position I wanted and I still get choir this year and I'm loving asb so far. Looking forward to this year.

Dances. First time I went to formal. Deborah was a good date. Sara was friggn not funny with making it so obvious with the cookies. But I still remember that whole scene prety well. i was pretty nervous because deborah eats so much and was taking forever to get to dessert. Had fun with deborah. OH MY GAH. the formal bus. that was so much fun. and that's how I got close to sara I think.. planning that was a mother. so many complications with it, but so worth it in the long run. it was so much fun. sadiessss. sheena. haha. i liked how deborah led me away to "sell grams" and brought me back to he quad 2 minutes later. the starbucks and song were awesome. sheena put so much effort into it and i really thank her for that. especially the gold pants. I hope they'll always fit me. i just like dances in general. i like dancing and being a spazz and music. i just let the music go through me and move me around. so much fun. i look forward to all of them and wish there were more during the year.

next topic a bit later. i'm tired again. it's pushing 1 15 and i have 0 period.

holy crap. took me a while to get back to this.

friends. this year. wow. I don't know. I remember patty telling me on aim early the past school year, even maybe last summer, that her brother told her this is the year where people decide what kind of people they want to be. I think this is pretty true. I broke through a lot of facades that I thought were once there, which isn't necessarily good or bad. For some point at the beginning of the school year, I felt pretty lonely. My usual "group" became broken up. Physically and mentally. First like two months were fine, and that's when thing started changing. I don't ever see Corina anyway, Ashley started going out, Jean started going out, felt disconnected in the first place from the kids that made show choir (Jared and Daniel), even jealous in a way, at least at the beginning, Lily found her love of academics, I just felt disjointed with Kenny, Medha and Thy were engulfed with Gamut. I guess my one constant that was there was Rose. If you're reading this Rosecakes, thanks. We both understood what was happening/happened. I don't know, but even she found some comfort in patty and anne and demi before I found somewhere to land. Eventually though, I'm not even really sure how it happened, but I finally started talking to Alex. Our conversations in the past didn' extend past the mapling world. So it was kind of weird? I remember talking to him on aim at the beginning of the year about things that Meloche talked about. And now I'm happy to call him a best friend. Wouldn't know what would've happened this year if i didn't do Musical. I wouldn't have probably talked to him that much. Just glad it happened this way. Friends repaired themselves in a way by the end of the year. I was sitll close friends with a lot of people, but just didn't have that group aspect. It makes things like planning outings a bit harder, but oh well. I'd mind a close 1 on 1 friendship better than a group effort anyway.

Class of 2008, oh how I judged thee. Haha. If any of you are reading this, I apologize. I remember sitting as a freshman at rallies, and judged you guys so bad. Just because of a few people. And I totally regret and apologize for that. 2008.. haha. A class to remember. It makes me sad that I didn't talk to any of them until 2nd semester began. Lost out on a lot of time that I could've had. Started talking to Jillian through swim, Meaghan from our crotch ideas in the back of please don'ts top the music, Vincent from dance and relay, Michael from random things.. like aim and international dinner, cougars I don't even know. So strange to think that I didn't know them at all 6 months ago. And now they're gone, or leaving really soon. Leaving as fast as they got here, at least for me. Met some amazing people from this class. I used to be so scared of age, but getting to know them just kinda blew that out of the picture for me. I hardly even noticed that they were 2 years older, other than the college references and Vincent reminding me that I am a child (or was).

I don't know. I was going to go into summer now. But does it really need to be blogged about? In short. I loved it. Best summer by far. Relay for Life, CLYLP, prom searching, asb camp, hanging out with people, minimal maple story, the first birthday I sincerely enjoyed within the past 5 years, learning, seeing, realizing. lots of ings. 2008 has been an astinomical year.

~~~~

End.

i'm a vibe kind of person.

It's approximately 5:30 as I begin this post. All the familias would have probably just been excused from Shasta Hall to go tot he dining commons for dinner. Angel would’ve just handed out the meal cards as we chatted in the hallway in line for the buffet. We probably just made fun of Alejandra and her church stories. The familia gets to the front, our cards get swiped, and then handed back to Angel. The taco casserole looks gross so I go with the pasta looking entrée. As for a drink, the green tea that I have become fond of over the past few days sounds appealing. We all go to sit down at the table. Jesus and Armando are probably talking about politics or something that’s actually educated. David’s quiet like usual until someone brings up a topic that sparks his interest. Rebecca’s intently listening to Dora as she tells one of her stories of her home life. Gabi and Sandra gab a bit about the speaker we just listened to 45 minutes ago while Vanessa and Angel listen and ask what they thought. Gerri and Alejandra are looking around to see if Smiley or Mohawk is near. I look down at my tray, grab a cucumber, dip it into the cup of thousand island dressing placed at the corner, and pop the vegetable into my mouth.

First off, if you’re to read this blog, I would totally disregard the two prior posts, well.. only a bit. So yes, what I described below did happen on the bus, however I think it was only so bad for me because I had such a bad attitude about everything. As we passed through central California, there was nothing to look out the window. Nobody was sitting by me because whenever we picked up a new crop of kids, I would pretend I was sleeping across both seats, which turned out to be not a so good idea since I didn’t really get to meet anyone beforehand. As I sat there texting Medha, I started feeling incredibly sick. My stomach churned, was it the Sonics Chicken Meal? Not sure. My head started to pound, my nerves started to freak. What had I gotten myself into? I don’t belong at some Chicano Latino Youth Leadership Conference. It was just karma biting me in the ass with me just applying for college apps. My summer reading assignment books were not comforting and neither was my usual playlist of Katy Perry. How was I going to survive a whole week when I couldn’t survive 11 hours on a bus? Eventually Paulina told us we were in Sacramento and we’d be at the campus in a few minutes. I don’t know if I was more excited or scared to get off that bus. Finally we landed at Sac State. I got out. We were all greeted by the peer counselors in a flourish of high fives. I hesitantly participated in the slippage of digits against others’ digits. We checked in. I said nothing until I was spoken to. “Name?” “Gabriel Bergado.” I was a bit excited to go see my dorm, but instead they just had us drop off our stuff and ushered us into the pool area for a dinner picnic sort of thing. My stomach still felt strangely painful, so I tried to lay off anything too heavy. The African American Youth Leadership Project was there too, so I was a bit confused when I walked through the gates. I latched onto the Orange County people I met on the bus. Thank God they were so welcoming. Haha. Thank you Nancy, Natalie, Raquel, and Franni if you ever read this. I was able to break my long silence of about 4 hours. We just talked about school and stuff. We were a bit intimidated by the inherent skill of dance that the AAYLP had over us. As we watched, our heads turned at their fancy footwork and sway of hips. Then Nancy being crazy Nancy decides that she’ll go out to dance. Thankfully she was the one to take intiative because I wanted to get some booty bumping out but I was too pansy to be the first to go out there. So our table was pretty much the first people from CLYLP to go out and dance. It was refreshing from the long sit on the bus. I finally started to get a bit more open and loose, even feeling open to use my signature sprinkler move. Eventually more and more people were starting to come out and I finally felt a bit more confident with the people around me. I had told myself on the bus, “I’m not here to make friends. I’m only here a week so it’s not going to matter if I don’t make friends.” But now my mindset was, “I’m only here a week. I might as well live it up since I probably won’t see these people anytime soon again.”

After the dancing, we had the rules talked to us and everything. That was a tad boring. They finally introduced the peer counselors and then the facilitators. We then began being split up into different familias. I eventually figured out that they were splitting up alt he people from the same region apart, so my chance of being with an OC person was lost. “Familia Nueve, with Vanessa as the facilitator and Angel as peer counselor. Gabriel Bergado…” I got up and waited for the rest of the names of the people in my familia be called, not paying attention to what they were. The quiet group of 10 followed Vanessa and Angel. Vanessa welcomed us, made small talk as we chose a place to sit. It was getting dark. We sat. I looked around at the faces around me. Boo. Nobody looks halfie. But hey, everyone looks nice I guess and just as nervous. Vanessa handed us schedules and decided we’d do an icebreaker where we all write a question on a piece of paper and then we would all introduce ourselves and say our answer. We put all our questions in, and waited in silence as Vanessa chose one to ask. “What is your dream profession?” We went around the circle answering.

“Okay.. my name is Alejandra, and I want to be a nurse or something.” [I’m pretty sure that’s what she said because she’s the only one I’m not entirely sure what she said.]

“Jesus, and when I grow up I want to be a zoologist.”

“Hi I’m Rebecca, and I don’t know exactly what I want to do but maybe something in business?”

“I’m Sandra and I want to be a surgeon.”

“Hi my name is Gabi and I want to be a psychologist (or was it psychiatrist?) when I grow up.”

“Hello I’m Armando and I wan to do something in political science.” [I think that’s what he said?]

“David and I want to be a kinesiologist .”

“Hi I’m Gabe and I’d like to be an actor, but in practical terms… an oncologist.”

“Hi my name is Gerri and I don’t exactly know. Maybe an editor or something?”

“I’m Dora and I want to do something maybe in computer programming.”

So that is where it began. I’m not going to go into complete detail for everyday like I did for the first day. But that first familia time on that patch of grass at sometime around 8:24 was epic.

I can't believe it's been a week since it's all ended. Since the arrival, since the introductions, since the speakers, since the skits, since the picture whoring, since the capital visit, since the meals, since the banquet, since the goodbye. Last week was weird. I didn't care too much for the speakers, although they were interesting. Nor the college info, but it was extremely beneficial. Instead though, the most important part was the relations with people and just getting to know them. Being at Oxford has kept me in this social bubble of a pool of about 199 people in my grade to get to know. It was refreshing getting to know people from different areas, different backgrounds, that I never met before. I got really close to some of these people, and I really miss them. Hopefully we'll be able to meet up in the future sometime soon.

CLYLP Peer Counselors for 2009 anyone?

on the bus.

so the station wasn't too bad. there were people. yeah. got on the bus and was planning to sit alone except this guy called me over and asked if i wanted to sit with them carlos and adrian. they go to magnolia. they're nice i guess. just talk amongst themselves since they already know each other. we stopped in la and picked up some more kids. next was bakersfield. i ate at sonic. it was good. got back on the road and then the two guys from magnolia asked me "are you even latino" or something like that.. i be the foundz out. picked up more kids. bus is almost full, but i was selfish and have not yet given up the seat next to me. i think we're like 160 miles away. sigh. i cant fall asleep either. just sitting here playing with my cell phone.read a bit. i'm too tire d to read though now. out of the like 40 kids on the bus i'm pretty sure i'm the only halfie. nobody shows any signs or anything. i feel alone. maybe sacramento can be my friend. legs are asleep. everyone else i've chatted with are seniors. i feel so isolated and shy. can't bring myself to btalk to other people.

sacramento bound.

i'm here waiting at the bus station. it's approximately 7:43 although when i post this i-'ll probably later. typing on this pantech keypad is kind of difficult with my long and fat fingers. so. waking up this morning wasn't too hard. the anxiety and nervousment churned my stomach until i was forced to get up. dressed, packed my toilletories, got in the car. mcgriddles are not good for the stomach. there's some streetwalker coming towards us. i'll update later. i miss you guys already.

carne asada fries.

This is pretty much going to be a "me complaining blog."

So on Saturday at 8:00 AM, I will be departing for for the Chicano Latino Youth Leadership Project. I was hoping that this week before I leave would be excellent, but the glamor has been wearing off. However, today was quite excellent. Finally go to see Jillian after a while. Anyway, I'm really angry and sad and pissed and lots of other things that this conference has to be THIS week. There's so much this week that came up just today that made me realize how much I was missing. Saturday is the Cypress Festival where Jillian's parents have a chili booth and then we'd go swimming afterward and from her Xanga entry about last year's, it seems like so much fun. Second, Sunday is the American Apparel Warehouse Store Sale which I have been waiting for pretty much a year ever since Matthew told me he went to it last year. Waiting all year for it, and then it turns out it's this weekend. Third, Jack's Mannequin/Paramore concert on the 30th which I'd be able to go to since it's at the OC Fair and not some iffy venue but yes, I will be in Sacramento. And probably some other oppurtunities as well.

I think karma has played the ultimate card against me. I got into this conference for all the wrong reasons. I pretty much just applied for it because I wanted something to stand out on my college apps or whatever, and I'm the preacher about not doing things just for college. Bahh. And now all these things come up. UGHHH. I really just want to miss my bus and be like..whoops. I don't know if it's also because I'm scared for it. I am half Mexican, but my roots don't show anywhere in me other than my physical qualities and what I eat for dinner. Plus the fact that I am only half and extremely white washed. I'm probably gonna get slaughtered. I also am extremely awkward with new people and a few days isn't going to be long enough for me to feel comfortable. I don't know. Just really not looking forward to it.

anodyne.

I just got back from a jog which started approximately at 5 am. I didn't go to sleep. Before I knew it, the clock said 4:23 and I decided to stay up. The mile run almost killed me. First off, I got raped by the mosquitos in the grass. Next time I'll try sticking to the blacktop. Second, my stomach is now killing me. I feel like I want to barf. However, during the run I didn't feel either. I just felt the cool air swatting at my face and my legs propelling me forward. I need to get back in shape anyway, so it's going to be painful. It was really nice watching the sky turn from a purpleish into a purple pink, then pink, and finally start illuminating without the sun blinding me. I then proceeded to cool off on the swings, which is why I wanted out in the first place. I'm pretty delirious here typing this up. I'll probably pass out right as I stop typing.

Books. Books. Books. Oh books. At the beginning of the summer, I had nothing at all to do. I would just sleep, eat, Youtube, aim at home. Instead I should have been reading and getting work done. Now I actually have stuff to do. Stuff that I didn't expect or think through. I can actually go out and hang out since things with my mom's work changed, prom venue visiting, and other responsibilities. I started reading the APUSH book, and it wasn't too bad. Kagan was bad. Cohen's okay. I must get APUSH done within the week. That is my goal.

I have to call about the job that I found at Vans the other day. They said you had to be 16, but I'm going to see if I can talk to a general manager or something. Hopefully the back to school position is still open. No way I'll be able to work during the school year, unless I want C's or something.

I have other things to talk about, but I'm about to crash. I'll finish later.

triskaidekaphobia.

1. We've come a long way from first period in seventh grade together. I actually like the first memory you have of me. I think it's very befitting. I love you girl, and it still amazes me how you can handle so much and balance everything so perfectly. This year is probably going to be a lot harder on you than on other people and I know you're probably going to want to crack. But you'll get through it, and even if you do, I'll be there to pick up your pieces.
   
2. We talked a lot in seventh grade, but then we sort of forgot about each other. I guess it's because we never really hung out outside of the computers room and didn't talk about anything to serious. This year we got to hang out a lot more, which makes me happy. You're always someone I can look forward to hanging out with. I haven't really opened up to you on a more personal level which I sort of regret. Recently I found your blog and found out that you do have a really more complex side to you. I know it's always been there, but the discovery just reaffirmed what I already knew and let me see a bit into your mind.
3. I'm glad when I found out that about you I didn't let it get awkward. We still were able to be really close friends and talk about pretty much everything that was going on. You don't suck talking on the phone as much as I thought you did. Usually you don't realize how talented you really are and I think it's good. Keeps you humble. You're comfortable with your grades which is fine because your talent will take you somewhere one day.
4. I didn't mean for you to feel that way that day. I tried to make you feel included, as did everyone else. We weren't intentionally ignoring you or trying to make you feel excluded. It has to be a two way thing. You have to be willing to come and join in as well and not just separate yourself. People genuinely like you.
5. I'm really sad that the time I had with you at Oxford was limited. I always knew who you were but was always too intimidated to talk to you or anything because we were never introduced or what not. I should've just screwed that, swallowed my pride, and talked to you. Now you're leaving soon and even though you're close, it still won't be the same. I miss talking to you at 3 am in the morning, but you're having your own adventure right now. Thanks for listening that early morning and not being afraid to ask. I felt totally comfortable telling you about that part of my life. We have to somehow make up for lost time.
6. It's strange and a bit fitting that for formal we were planning the whole thing and everything. Now we're planning prom together. I look so forward to working with you next year. It's already been a pleasure working with you so far. I feel bad for not working as hard as you have been. I promise to make it up in the future and whenever you need me to take over for a bit I'll always be there. I think we may be the dirtiest duo in a while. You're going to be amazing at this job.
7. You made me feel so welcome in 8th grade. You were my favorite teacher both years I had you but I didn't really appreciate you as much as I should have until you were snatched away from us. I never really was content with the first teacher so when you took over I was estatic. You're such a warm and compassionate person. I love your quirky sense of humor and everything you did for us. Another large reason why I will intensely miss sophomore year is because you made it so great for us. We fought, but we didn't win. But I've already won with having you as a mentor.
8. I am so annoyed with you at times. Freshman year I thought you were a pretty cool friend/acquantice, someone I could get to know. But now I can hardly stand you sometimes. The things you talk about are not that cool and are pretty frivolous. You make a huge deal out of some of the most trivial things. I know I'm going to have to somehow work around this for next year. Maybe it's just because you're not quite sure who you are yet so it's not exactly fair for me to blame you. Hopefully you'll find yourself soon.
9. I do like you as a person and you're a really cool guy. I would definately look foward to being a closer friend to you being that we're already kind of in the same pool. It would make things a lot easier. This year I did get to know you better and opened up with you a bit. But then you go and take what I opened up to you about and twists it against me and judge. I was a bit uncomfortable and offended by your yearbook entry, but I do understand that you're just trying to help and it's expected from you. You just need to learn you can't exactly force what you believe onto everyone else in the world.
10. I admit that I judged you, however you have totally changed what I thought of you and flipped it upside down. You're extremely complex and a lot deeper than I would have ever thought. I'm so glad that I still have the oppurtunity to get to know you better before you leave. Maybe I'll take up your offer.
11. You really affected my sophomore year. Thank you for always being there. I can talk to you about everything except for one thing- you. I feel so awkward saying that, but it's true. You weren't the best friend at times, but I forgave you. I'm partially mad at myself for forgiving you so fast and not confronting you with everything. But I guess I was just doing the same thing you were doing for me. However, you have more than made up for it I guess. That one aspect is kind of unfair though. Let's hope it doesn't fade.
12. I feel guilty that I don't open up to you as much as you do to me. You've been here for the long haul, but most times I just can't what I'm really thinking to you. I don't exactly know why. Maybe it is becasue we've known each other for too long. Even though I can't talk to you about things, I don't want you to stop talking to me about things. I'm here to help and I hope I can.
    
13. You keep on saying that you wasted the first two years of high school, but in all honestly I don't think you did. You've had a variety of different accomplishments and even if you don't think they are worthy, they are in my book. Don't stress yourself out too much. You'll be fine. Everything will eventually work out. They always do.
    

land of Nod.

I had some of the scariest and strangest dreams I have ever had last night/this morning. I think it was while there was sun out too, because since I go to sleep at 3 am sunrise is not that far away. I had two dreams I can remember.

Dream number 1- So in this dream, I think I was in my old house. Something that mimicked it in a way. For some reason, I had a brother? An older sister as well, but it wasn't Sienna. It was really creepy and chaotic. My parents were also not my real parents at all. The only people that were in my dream that were recognizable were Bianca and Anh Thu. I have no clue why Anh Thu was in my dream. In the house, these three different people come and start attacking us. There was this one chubby dark guy, and I can't remember the other two. I do remember though that I looked at a painting in the kitchen and the three attackers were on it and it displayed where each one was. There were knives being thrown, but I don't ever remember blood being drawn. Somehow my fake family defeated these three attackers, but then my 'parents' turned on us. They tied up my brother and older sister and started torturing them or something. Then Anh Thu appears out of nowhere and she's like, "We have to get out of here." As we try to escape, my 'dad' ries to stop us, but I throw a knife at him. Bianca, Anh Thu, and I are running down my old neighborhood. I'm searching for a house that has a light on. There's something following us, but we can't really tell what. An apparition? We get to this house with a light on, I jump the fence and help Bianca over, and I tell Anh Thu to hurry the heck up. Bianca and I get to the porch but as Anh Thu's climbing over, she's pulled back. We don't turn back. The door quicky opens and it's some Asian man. I storm in and lock the door and barricade it. I didn't have to explain to him what was happening. We sat there against the couch for a long while as the windows and door began pouding. We didn't move. Eventually I woke up with my heart beating.

Dream number two- I awoke from the earlier one, looked around a bit, and fell back down onto my bed only to fall into a deep slumber once again. I'm awake in my dream and I'm in a darkish room. There's Dumbledore and a dog that's mine in the dream. The room goes dark and there's a bunch of flashing of lights. And buzzing. Then somehow I'm still my body but I'm not my mind. This sounds really weird, but you know how if you switch bodies you're in someone else's body but your mind? I became the dog. The dog inside my body. I knew I was the dog in mine, but my body in physical. I knew that 'Gabe' was in the dog's body. But he has runaway and I cannot find him. This dream is pretty much me searching for Gabe in the dog body. Since all this weird shit already happened, I guess that it was probable that I could use a locator spell to find Gabe. But the spell was like in the multipurpose room. I was at my old elementary school. I was waiting for the multipurpose room to be open, but there was a huge crowd in there. Someone told me that an alligator was in there and that nobody was allowed to go in. Finally the doors whooshed open and there was an alligator and a bunch of flowers or something. It filed out and I was about to get the spell but then I got chased by a dog that wasn't me. The dream ended with me climbing onto the playground.

I should probably stop sleeping at 3 am if I don't want these kinds of dreams. But bad dreams are more interesting than no dreams at all. I'm waiting for a nighttime slumber where I'm floating in space or I'm some famous star. That would be pretty fierce.

avaritia.

They say that money can't buy happiness, but I think I can argue with that. Honestly, yeah it can't buy you sentimental, emotional, and mental happiness, but it can sure cure my want for materialistic items and make me happy on an extremely materialistic plane.

There's so many things out there that I want. I feel bad that I want so many materialistic things, but hey, at least I'm honest with myself. In addition to that, I know that I'm probably not going to get these things anyway. I know there's people in the world that have a lot less than what I already have, but I'm just going to be greedy for this one post. I did agree to let this blog be something I could be totally truthful in. Let the countdown begin.

1. Black MacBook- Wowzerz. Isn't this piece of technology extraordinary? If the original Macbooks weren't pretty enough, they come out with this thing. The gold one's kinda tacky, and you know. I'm a classy guy. This would be with me almost always. I wouldn't have to fight with the sister over the desktop and PCs suck compared to macs anyways. Oh, I'd want the camera on it too so I could whore and everything.



2. IPod- So I wouldn't mind which iPod, but I just want one. I'm rather depressed that my iPod of three years died on me recently. I haven't had anything to listen to my music to other than my little mp3 player from the Pri Med Convention which holds like 15 songs and has a horrible battery life. I remember opening my old generation iPod too. I would just get it repaired, but I kinda want to watch videos on my travel companion.

3. Man vest- I just love vests. They are my metrosexual dirty pleasure, other than my red pants of course. Man vests are just so snazzy and edgy in my opinon. Goes with tons of different shirts.

That is my greed spasm. I think this totally goes against my first post today because I was all "No! Superficialness sucks!" But here I am doing this. Oh well, I can't afford any of these things anytime soon. It sucks because I insanely wanted a job this summer, applied to a variety of places, and nobody would hire me. Now Phat Straw is hiring and I can't apply because they aren't going to want to hire and train me and then I'm gone for a week at the end of this month for Sacramento and then gone for ASB camp. Oh well. Next summer? I don't know. I wish I could work during the school year but that's kind of academic suicide. My birthday is coming up, but all my money needs to go towards saving. No doubt there's going to be some kinds of charges coming up. Oh yeah, registration. I need to buy AP books, yearbook, spirit pack, additional ASB fees such as the formal sweater. At least I won't have to be buying P.E. clothes.

beginnings.

New blog. I guess it's pretty exciting. I always loved the layouts on blogger and everything. This will be a good outlet. Xanga's just been tiring me out lately and I don't really care for a lot of the frivolousness on it from other people. Facebook as well. I don't care if you have 3 new albums posted about your day. I really don't need a notification telling me and 5 little thumbnails showing me what fun you had. Sorry I'm being a bit harsh. Anyways, I'll keep the frivolousness on Xanga and Facebook, along with the plethera of camera whoring pictures on those sites. This will be my little secret until I start leaking it out. I'll try to keep it a bit private because I don't know. I like typing out what I'm thinking to something that won't talk back to me. So new beginnings here on blogger. I'll update later.