fucking relapses.

one.

alone. odd. particular. peculiar. singular. sole. special.

how can one word have so many definitions that battle one another? how can one be alone, but still special. is the oddity what makes it special? peculiarly special.

can i be your one?

have to prove myself sooner or later.

wednesday?

You know, I hate when it's wednesday and I think it's Friday.

It makes me all happy, but then I remember and I'm like "damn."

slope.

Sleep feels good. Wish there was more lately. Waking up leaves a sense of satisfied refreshment or a longing for another 20 minutes. I don't know. I feel guilty, but I think I have some justification to feel the way that I do. Wish that it was me. Why did it have to happen like that? You don't realize that it really hurts. And I know you cant do anything, and it's not your fault.. but now I don't know how to solve it. Slowly I was climbing back up, and the stairs under me disappeared and I slid down. Going to be harder going up them again.

general ledger.

i've said this to a lot of people, but accounting is a pretty good stress reliever. it may take forever, but it makes me feel productive. that i'm getting work done. i'm organizing. and just therapeutic because my mind's concentrated on it so all my other thoughts are kind of closed out for a bit. i'm glad i got "stuck" in this pathway afterall.

the chairs are also a plus.

she nailed it.

couldn't have felt it more.

absence.

I wonder how it would be like if I were to simply pack my bags, buy a plane ticket to France, and leave without saying goodbye to anyone.
How different would it be when I came back 6 months later? Would the people that I once cared for so much still be the same people? Would the people that cared for me so much still be able to care for me? Crazy prospect but it'd be so interesting to know. Who would have changed? Who wouldn't have changed? Who would've waited those 6 months? Who wouldn't have?

I don't know if I would wait.

good enough.

For a while I've dealt with not being good enough. Not being good enough in the past sucked. Then when the opportunity came where I was finally good enough, it got taken away. Back to not again.

Now, something that I actually feel like I'm going to be good enough for once the time comes is teasing me to no end.

how does it feel? oh yeah you wouldn't know.

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

My canker sores are burning.
My heart's aching.
My passion's fading.
Not feeling too awesome at this point.
It's just like a pill.

on your porch.

So things have been looking up. Not so stressed about school as much as I was in the last post. At least the healthy amount of stress. And I can handle it. I think. I'm doing better too, which is helping my morale a lot as well. I can get through this year. I've had some random thoughts that I've been shaking around in my head for a while now.

When I was at Target one day in Long Beach, I was leaving after spending a generous amount on gifts. Rushing out to meet my mom, I had my change still in my hand. A $5 bill. I roamed around the parking lot aimlessly looking for my mom when someone called me over. I think my attention was taken by the use of Sir for me. He walked over and gave me this whole sob story. Something about his wife and him not being able to pay bills, him getting a check from the government soon. But he was a veteran. He flashed me an identification card of sorts. I didn't pay attention to it. But just the word veteran stirred a lot within me. I stopped listening there. I knew what he wanted and I knew I was going to give it to him. He could have been lying, but I won't ever know. Hopefully that $5 bought him a dinner for him and his wife that night.
I'm afraid I'm too trusting sometimes. I think a lot of times when I'm in a predicament or problem I tell a bunch of people my problems because I'm anxious for an answer. For a solution. I trust these people I tell, but still. Is it too many people? Then afterward I feel silly for making such a big deal out of things and having so many people know I did. I'm just very over reactive.

On my way to the carwash I had to walk/run to, I passed by a fellow morning walker. She greeted me with a "Good morning." I wasn't having the best morning that particular day, and I think that simple gesture did a lot for me. That someone that I didn't even know would greet me with such kind words. But even prior to that, I saw her across the street. I think I felt an aura from her. A warm presence. I somewhat expected that she would. She seemed like the person that would.

One of my cousin's friends was shot and killed. I don't really know details, all that there was a gun involved and a death. I didn't know this friend and my family didn't really either. I think it was one of my friend's college friends. My cousin was really solemn for a while. Didn't see her the weekend I went beacuse she was just in her room, which I totally respect and understand. But what I was trying to get my head around was losing one of my friends. Sure, I've had those friends I've drifted from and don't talk to that much, but for one to be taken away from me in all aspects other than photographs and memories I have of them is freaking scary. I can't imagine one of my best friends.. not being able to instant message them anymore, or text or call and have insane phone conversations, or see in clas together, not being able to graduate together. Not being able to do anything more together. Let's all be safe now.