on the bus.

so the station wasn't too bad. there were people. yeah. got on the bus and was planning to sit alone except this guy called me over and asked if i wanted to sit with them carlos and adrian. they go to magnolia. they're nice i guess. just talk amongst themselves since they already know each other. we stopped in la and picked up some more kids. next was bakersfield. i ate at sonic. it was good. got back on the road and then the two guys from magnolia asked me "are you even latino" or something like that.. i be the foundz out. picked up more kids. bus is almost full, but i was selfish and have not yet given up the seat next to me. i think we're like 160 miles away. sigh. i cant fall asleep either. just sitting here playing with my cell phone.read a bit. i'm too tire d to read though now. out of the like 40 kids on the bus i'm pretty sure i'm the only halfie. nobody shows any signs or anything. i feel alone. maybe sacramento can be my friend. legs are asleep. everyone else i've chatted with are seniors. i feel so isolated and shy. can't bring myself to btalk to other people.

sacramento bound.

i'm here waiting at the bus station. it's approximately 7:43 although when i post this i-'ll probably later. typing on this pantech keypad is kind of difficult with my long and fat fingers. so. waking up this morning wasn't too hard. the anxiety and nervousment churned my stomach until i was forced to get up. dressed, packed my toilletories, got in the car. mcgriddles are not good for the stomach. there's some streetwalker coming towards us. i'll update later. i miss you guys already.

carne asada fries.

This is pretty much going to be a "me complaining blog."

So on Saturday at 8:00 AM, I will be departing for for the Chicano Latino Youth Leadership Project. I was hoping that this week before I leave would be excellent, but the glamor has been wearing off. However, today was quite excellent. Finally go to see Jillian after a while. Anyway, I'm really angry and sad and pissed and lots of other things that this conference has to be THIS week. There's so much this week that came up just today that made me realize how much I was missing. Saturday is the Cypress Festival where Jillian's parents have a chili booth and then we'd go swimming afterward and from her Xanga entry about last year's, it seems like so much fun. Second, Sunday is the American Apparel Warehouse Store Sale which I have been waiting for pretty much a year ever since Matthew told me he went to it last year. Waiting all year for it, and then it turns out it's this weekend. Third, Jack's Mannequin/Paramore concert on the 30th which I'd be able to go to since it's at the OC Fair and not some iffy venue but yes, I will be in Sacramento. And probably some other oppurtunities as well.

I think karma has played the ultimate card against me. I got into this conference for all the wrong reasons. I pretty much just applied for it because I wanted something to stand out on my college apps or whatever, and I'm the preacher about not doing things just for college. Bahh. And now all these things come up. UGHHH. I really just want to miss my bus and be like..whoops. I don't know if it's also because I'm scared for it. I am half Mexican, but my roots don't show anywhere in me other than my physical qualities and what I eat for dinner. Plus the fact that I am only half and extremely white washed. I'm probably gonna get slaughtered. I also am extremely awkward with new people and a few days isn't going to be long enough for me to feel comfortable. I don't know. Just really not looking forward to it.

anodyne.

I just got back from a jog which started approximately at 5 am. I didn't go to sleep. Before I knew it, the clock said 4:23 and I decided to stay up. The mile run almost killed me. First off, I got raped by the mosquitos in the grass. Next time I'll try sticking to the blacktop. Second, my stomach is now killing me. I feel like I want to barf. However, during the run I didn't feel either. I just felt the cool air swatting at my face and my legs propelling me forward. I need to get back in shape anyway, so it's going to be painful. It was really nice watching the sky turn from a purpleish into a purple pink, then pink, and finally start illuminating without the sun blinding me. I then proceeded to cool off on the swings, which is why I wanted out in the first place. I'm pretty delirious here typing this up. I'll probably pass out right as I stop typing.

Books. Books. Books. Oh books. At the beginning of the summer, I had nothing at all to do. I would just sleep, eat, Youtube, aim at home. Instead I should have been reading and getting work done. Now I actually have stuff to do. Stuff that I didn't expect or think through. I can actually go out and hang out since things with my mom's work changed, prom venue visiting, and other responsibilities. I started reading the APUSH book, and it wasn't too bad. Kagan was bad. Cohen's okay. I must get APUSH done within the week. That is my goal.

I have to call about the job that I found at Vans the other day. They said you had to be 16, but I'm going to see if I can talk to a general manager or something. Hopefully the back to school position is still open. No way I'll be able to work during the school year, unless I want C's or something.

I have other things to talk about, but I'm about to crash. I'll finish later.

triskaidekaphobia.

1. We've come a long way from first period in seventh grade together. I actually like the first memory you have of me. I think it's very befitting. I love you girl, and it still amazes me how you can handle so much and balance everything so perfectly. This year is probably going to be a lot harder on you than on other people and I know you're probably going to want to crack. But you'll get through it, and even if you do, I'll be there to pick up your pieces.
   
2. We talked a lot in seventh grade, but then we sort of forgot about each other. I guess it's because we never really hung out outside of the computers room and didn't talk about anything to serious. This year we got to hang out a lot more, which makes me happy. You're always someone I can look forward to hanging out with. I haven't really opened up to you on a more personal level which I sort of regret. Recently I found your blog and found out that you do have a really more complex side to you. I know it's always been there, but the discovery just reaffirmed what I already knew and let me see a bit into your mind.
3. I'm glad when I found out that about you I didn't let it get awkward. We still were able to be really close friends and talk about pretty much everything that was going on. You don't suck talking on the phone as much as I thought you did. Usually you don't realize how talented you really are and I think it's good. Keeps you humble. You're comfortable with your grades which is fine because your talent will take you somewhere one day.
4. I didn't mean for you to feel that way that day. I tried to make you feel included, as did everyone else. We weren't intentionally ignoring you or trying to make you feel excluded. It has to be a two way thing. You have to be willing to come and join in as well and not just separate yourself. People genuinely like you.
5. I'm really sad that the time I had with you at Oxford was limited. I always knew who you were but was always too intimidated to talk to you or anything because we were never introduced or what not. I should've just screwed that, swallowed my pride, and talked to you. Now you're leaving soon and even though you're close, it still won't be the same. I miss talking to you at 3 am in the morning, but you're having your own adventure right now. Thanks for listening that early morning and not being afraid to ask. I felt totally comfortable telling you about that part of my life. We have to somehow make up for lost time.
6. It's strange and a bit fitting that for formal we were planning the whole thing and everything. Now we're planning prom together. I look so forward to working with you next year. It's already been a pleasure working with you so far. I feel bad for not working as hard as you have been. I promise to make it up in the future and whenever you need me to take over for a bit I'll always be there. I think we may be the dirtiest duo in a while. You're going to be amazing at this job.
7. You made me feel so welcome in 8th grade. You were my favorite teacher both years I had you but I didn't really appreciate you as much as I should have until you were snatched away from us. I never really was content with the first teacher so when you took over I was estatic. You're such a warm and compassionate person. I love your quirky sense of humor and everything you did for us. Another large reason why I will intensely miss sophomore year is because you made it so great for us. We fought, but we didn't win. But I've already won with having you as a mentor.
8. I am so annoyed with you at times. Freshman year I thought you were a pretty cool friend/acquantice, someone I could get to know. But now I can hardly stand you sometimes. The things you talk about are not that cool and are pretty frivolous. You make a huge deal out of some of the most trivial things. I know I'm going to have to somehow work around this for next year. Maybe it's just because you're not quite sure who you are yet so it's not exactly fair for me to blame you. Hopefully you'll find yourself soon.
9. I do like you as a person and you're a really cool guy. I would definately look foward to being a closer friend to you being that we're already kind of in the same pool. It would make things a lot easier. This year I did get to know you better and opened up with you a bit. But then you go and take what I opened up to you about and twists it against me and judge. I was a bit uncomfortable and offended by your yearbook entry, but I do understand that you're just trying to help and it's expected from you. You just need to learn you can't exactly force what you believe onto everyone else in the world.
10. I admit that I judged you, however you have totally changed what I thought of you and flipped it upside down. You're extremely complex and a lot deeper than I would have ever thought. I'm so glad that I still have the oppurtunity to get to know you better before you leave. Maybe I'll take up your offer.
11. You really affected my sophomore year. Thank you for always being there. I can talk to you about everything except for one thing- you. I feel so awkward saying that, but it's true. You weren't the best friend at times, but I forgave you. I'm partially mad at myself for forgiving you so fast and not confronting you with everything. But I guess I was just doing the same thing you were doing for me. However, you have more than made up for it I guess. That one aspect is kind of unfair though. Let's hope it doesn't fade.
12. I feel guilty that I don't open up to you as much as you do to me. You've been here for the long haul, but most times I just can't what I'm really thinking to you. I don't exactly know why. Maybe it is becasue we've known each other for too long. Even though I can't talk to you about things, I don't want you to stop talking to me about things. I'm here to help and I hope I can.
    
13. You keep on saying that you wasted the first two years of high school, but in all honestly I don't think you did. You've had a variety of different accomplishments and even if you don't think they are worthy, they are in my book. Don't stress yourself out too much. You'll be fine. Everything will eventually work out. They always do.
    

land of Nod.

I had some of the scariest and strangest dreams I have ever had last night/this morning. I think it was while there was sun out too, because since I go to sleep at 3 am sunrise is not that far away. I had two dreams I can remember.

Dream number 1- So in this dream, I think I was in my old house. Something that mimicked it in a way. For some reason, I had a brother? An older sister as well, but it wasn't Sienna. It was really creepy and chaotic. My parents were also not my real parents at all. The only people that were in my dream that were recognizable were Bianca and Anh Thu. I have no clue why Anh Thu was in my dream. In the house, these three different people come and start attacking us. There was this one chubby dark guy, and I can't remember the other two. I do remember though that I looked at a painting in the kitchen and the three attackers were on it and it displayed where each one was. There were knives being thrown, but I don't ever remember blood being drawn. Somehow my fake family defeated these three attackers, but then my 'parents' turned on us. They tied up my brother and older sister and started torturing them or something. Then Anh Thu appears out of nowhere and she's like, "We have to get out of here." As we try to escape, my 'dad' ries to stop us, but I throw a knife at him. Bianca, Anh Thu, and I are running down my old neighborhood. I'm searching for a house that has a light on. There's something following us, but we can't really tell what. An apparition? We get to this house with a light on, I jump the fence and help Bianca over, and I tell Anh Thu to hurry the heck up. Bianca and I get to the porch but as Anh Thu's climbing over, she's pulled back. We don't turn back. The door quicky opens and it's some Asian man. I storm in and lock the door and barricade it. I didn't have to explain to him what was happening. We sat there against the couch for a long while as the windows and door began pouding. We didn't move. Eventually I woke up with my heart beating.

Dream number two- I awoke from the earlier one, looked around a bit, and fell back down onto my bed only to fall into a deep slumber once again. I'm awake in my dream and I'm in a darkish room. There's Dumbledore and a dog that's mine in the dream. The room goes dark and there's a bunch of flashing of lights. And buzzing. Then somehow I'm still my body but I'm not my mind. This sounds really weird, but you know how if you switch bodies you're in someone else's body but your mind? I became the dog. The dog inside my body. I knew I was the dog in mine, but my body in physical. I knew that 'Gabe' was in the dog's body. But he has runaway and I cannot find him. This dream is pretty much me searching for Gabe in the dog body. Since all this weird shit already happened, I guess that it was probable that I could use a locator spell to find Gabe. But the spell was like in the multipurpose room. I was at my old elementary school. I was waiting for the multipurpose room to be open, but there was a huge crowd in there. Someone told me that an alligator was in there and that nobody was allowed to go in. Finally the doors whooshed open and there was an alligator and a bunch of flowers or something. It filed out and I was about to get the spell but then I got chased by a dog that wasn't me. The dream ended with me climbing onto the playground.

I should probably stop sleeping at 3 am if I don't want these kinds of dreams. But bad dreams are more interesting than no dreams at all. I'm waiting for a nighttime slumber where I'm floating in space or I'm some famous star. That would be pretty fierce.

avaritia.

They say that money can't buy happiness, but I think I can argue with that. Honestly, yeah it can't buy you sentimental, emotional, and mental happiness, but it can sure cure my want for materialistic items and make me happy on an extremely materialistic plane.

There's so many things out there that I want. I feel bad that I want so many materialistic things, but hey, at least I'm honest with myself. In addition to that, I know that I'm probably not going to get these things anyway. I know there's people in the world that have a lot less than what I already have, but I'm just going to be greedy for this one post. I did agree to let this blog be something I could be totally truthful in. Let the countdown begin.

1. Black MacBook- Wowzerz. Isn't this piece of technology extraordinary? If the original Macbooks weren't pretty enough, they come out with this thing. The gold one's kinda tacky, and you know. I'm a classy guy. This would be with me almost always. I wouldn't have to fight with the sister over the desktop and PCs suck compared to macs anyways. Oh, I'd want the camera on it too so I could whore and everything.



2. IPod- So I wouldn't mind which iPod, but I just want one. I'm rather depressed that my iPod of three years died on me recently. I haven't had anything to listen to my music to other than my little mp3 player from the Pri Med Convention which holds like 15 songs and has a horrible battery life. I remember opening my old generation iPod too. I would just get it repaired, but I kinda want to watch videos on my travel companion.

3. Man vest- I just love vests. They are my metrosexual dirty pleasure, other than my red pants of course. Man vests are just so snazzy and edgy in my opinon. Goes with tons of different shirts.

That is my greed spasm. I think this totally goes against my first post today because I was all "No! Superficialness sucks!" But here I am doing this. Oh well, I can't afford any of these things anytime soon. It sucks because I insanely wanted a job this summer, applied to a variety of places, and nobody would hire me. Now Phat Straw is hiring and I can't apply because they aren't going to want to hire and train me and then I'm gone for a week at the end of this month for Sacramento and then gone for ASB camp. Oh well. Next summer? I don't know. I wish I could work during the school year but that's kind of academic suicide. My birthday is coming up, but all my money needs to go towards saving. No doubt there's going to be some kinds of charges coming up. Oh yeah, registration. I need to buy AP books, yearbook, spirit pack, additional ASB fees such as the formal sweater. At least I won't have to be buying P.E. clothes.

beginnings.

New blog. I guess it's pretty exciting. I always loved the layouts on blogger and everything. This will be a good outlet. Xanga's just been tiring me out lately and I don't really care for a lot of the frivolousness on it from other people. Facebook as well. I don't care if you have 3 new albums posted about your day. I really don't need a notification telling me and 5 little thumbnails showing me what fun you had. Sorry I'm being a bit harsh. Anyways, I'll keep the frivolousness on Xanga and Facebook, along with the plethera of camera whoring pictures on those sites. This will be my little secret until I start leaking it out. I'll try to keep it a bit private because I don't know. I like typing out what I'm thinking to something that won't talk back to me. So new beginnings here on blogger. I'll update later.